"The wound may not be your fault, but the healing is your responsibility" - Denice Frohman
People barely talk about that part of the healing journey where you recognise that you will need to trust another person with your heart again. Especially if you do want to have the experience of sharing your life journey with some-one. They barely touch on how hard it is to trust after you have been betrayed, used and/or abused.
The walls of protection around your heart and mind can get so high that not even you can figure out a way that they will be climbed never mind be made to crumble… Of how deceptively rock hard and invisible that armour becomes… Only when it comes time to “feel” vulnerable or anything close to opening yourself up to some-one new, do you start to realise that this might not be possible without some serious risk! I mean do you take the risk and expose yourself to the potential of ever feeling that pain and brokenness again… To consciously choose to put yourself in the firing line, remembering how much it hurt to be laying on the floor screaming, crying and alone in the dark…
They don’t tell you that it’s not even the fact that you must learn to trust some-one else really, it’s that you must learn to trust yourself again too. To find the space that you are in that says, I trust my choices and my ability to make healthy lifestyle compromises and changes. I trust that I am conscious enough that I am NOT acting from a wounded space and that I am not going to overlook the same red flags, that I won’t fall for potential again. To be discerning enough that I won’t let passion and emotion over-ride logic… That I will believe actions and patterns over words and promises. That this time I won’t settle for one god damn thing because why the fuck should I…
Its only when you are faced with a sweet smiling person in front of you that you suddenly realise that the amount of fear you built those walls with, literally will choke the words right out of your mouth… You’ll be standing in a bright coffee shop and the next thing you know fear will send your mind reeling to those moments you were lying in the dark… and you will want to run a mile and never look back… It doesn’t matter how strong you are, how much you have overcome… when fear is allowed to take over, it overrides almost everything… and they say don’t let it control you… That’s all fine and well for certain aspects of life. However when it comes to your heart and especially if your heart has been broken way to many times... it takes a different kind of bravery, a different kind of fight to overcome that fear… You see fear itself has developed its own tactics (patterns and beliefs) at this stage, it has its own type of arsenal (painful moments) to throw at the mind…
So, I’ve found what is helping me to start to overcome and work with my fear is to lean into it... To embrace it and say why shouldn’t I feel this, I mean some horrible things were done to me and I have every right to be scared that I will experience those things again… but that also doesn’t mean that it will happen again… So I lean into it, question it and reason with it…
You see fear, if you really acknowledge and listen to it, is trying help you! It remembers every bit of pain you have felt and it’s a natural defence mechanism that develops to try and ensure that you don’t experience that pain again.
However, its important to remember that a little bit of fear is okay, especially in actual life threatening and dangerous situations… but to allow fear to prohibit you from possibly experiencing some beautiful things like true love, exhilaration and companionship because it makes us afraid of having our “feelings” hurt. This is probably the stage in which you need to investigate and gain a wider perspective… otherwise you’ll be stuck at this level of development for the rest of this lifetime. I personally can’t do that, I won’t allow the people that have hurt me to have that power over me, to have the ability to control my future… Ultimately if I allow them to stop me from experiencing love, joy or peace in the present or future... then they not only hurt me in the past, but they also hurt my future too… and thats just to much! I won't allow that to be the case. I must keep growing, glowing and evolving… Sooo that means to get to a point where you trust again, there’s no other answer than you just gotta trust again… Trust others and trust myself above all!
To know that I have the ability to handle another betrayal or heartbreak. That no-matter how bad something will hurt me I’ve gotten through it before, I can get through it again. I must trust that I will know the boundaries that will enable me to not pour so much of myself into some-one and not get anything back. That I am in a space that in knowing what type of relationship I desire, one which meets my needs and values will determine who comes into my life, that I won't settle for less, just because the physical attraction and chemistry may be there... That it’s a mutual give and take dynamic, based on love, honesty and transparency… To try and learn how to receive for once and not just be the giver and people pleaser, so I don't get taken advantage of again… I must trust that when the time comes and if some-one does betray me, that I have developed a strong enough internal space of peace and acceptance that nothing or no-one can touch that or take it away.
The sanctuary within me, is a space that I can always come back to... And any betrayals in the future won’t shatter me into a million pieces, because this time I will never lose the sense of my true self again! I have to trust that my practices of honouring myself, my connection to source, my peace and my commitment to my purpose will keep me on my own healthy path despite whether some-one is beside me or not…
I have to make fear my friend, like a little flag that waves and draws my attention enough to evaluate whether its based in a valid current situation or arising because of a previous experience. I must ask is it trying to warn me of actual danger or just perceived danger... I know that I have to do this because it’s not fair to the next person who comes into my life as a partner to suffer for other people’s choices and actions… and I would hope that the person that comes into my world doesn’t make me suffer for the actions of others before me…
There has to be a mutual understanding and respect that, we are human, and trauma has affected each of us differently and sometimes we will react out of our insecurities... And though that is normal, we are willing to work through our “stuff” for ourselves and each other… To evolve past those patterns, belies and fears for the betterment of ourselves and for those around us.
This is why we work through our darkness, through our fears! We do the shadow work so that we become a stopper. We become a pattern block… We don’t create more pain, more perpetuating cycles of abuse and trauma. We change the narrative and don’t allow generational or any type of trauma to go unattended to, to be left to fester… and create more unhealthy patterns of behaviours. The intentional and unconscious pain has to stop...
We have to be in a space of love and compassion, yet one of discernment and independence. We don’t want co-dependent, we want interdependent… We want love, loyalty, understanding and growth, not fear, sabotage and control… This all takes a dignified quiet strength to master and apply… It’s not easy but it’s well worth it.
The belief that everything, even if it hurts is meant to be as it is, that the universe makes no mistakes. Everything is by design and you, the soul chose everything because it wants it as a lesson or experience really helps too... also remembering that overall pain is the tool by which human beings make their greatest strides in evolution... whether that's personally in our lives or globally as a pandemic or war. Granted there is always a polarity to this but those who embrace growth, change and learning tend to know that pain can be the most transformative conduit for change ✨️
I hope this helps some-one somewhere!
Cheers CRD x
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